Anger
I have two kids. Well, I have 4 kids, but two of them are black. Those are the two kids I’m talking about. We adopted and they have an entire story that is their own to tell, but what I’m going to share is uniquely and embarrassingly my own story. It just has them as supporting characters.
So sometimes, and I hate that I’m bringing this up, I am in situations where my wife and I are in predominately black community events. We are the minorities and I love it. Here’s what I don’t love. I have a lot of anxiety for my kids to act a certain way when we’re around other black folk. White people, I don’t care what they think, but the black community is very important to me.
When my kids decide to be, well, kids. Sometimes, I lose my shit. I get super anal about making sure they aren’t doing weird stuff that would make me look like a crazy white parent. I hope you realize just how vulnerable I’m being. It’s not my kid’s fault that I have anxiety about being a white parent to black kids but they can see the angry side of me. All through my head is going:
“Is their hair good?”
“Are these clothes not cool enough?”
“Did we get enough lotion on them?”
“Did we get TOO much lotion on them?”
The list could go on forever and ever. My anger peaks when someone throws things or hitting people or spitting on people or running away from us or trying to destroy other people’s stuff. And that anger is pointing me directly where I need to work on myself.
Today, we’re going to talk about anger.
Here’s our anger roadmap:
examples of healthy anger
examples of negative anger
coping techniques
finding the root causes of anger
tools that have helped me manage my anger
using anger for positive change.
Historic healthy anger
Healthy anger is the expression of anger in a way that is appropriate, controlled, and focused on finding a positive resolution. It is characterized by a sense of control, focused on the issue or behavior, and involves clear communication that is respectful and assertive. Healthy anger needs a proper aim, otherwise it’ll miss the mark and possibly turn to negativity.
Martin Luther King Jr. is widely regarded as one of the most influential civil rights leaders in American history. He used his anger at the injustice and discrimination faced by African Americans to fuel his fight for equality and social justice. While many people associate King with his message of nonviolence, he was not opposed to using anger to motivate action. In fact, he saw anger as a natural response to injustice and believed that it could be channeled into constructive action.
Malcolm X was another influential civil rights leader, known for his fiery speeches and passionate advocacy for black empowerment. He too believed in the productive use of anger, and saw it as a natural and necessary response to the oppression and violence faced by African Americans. For Malcolm X, anger was a means of awakening people to the reality of their situation and motivating them to take action. He often spoke about the need to “get angry” in order to bring about change, and he was not afraid to use powerful language and vivid imagery to convey his message.
“we are not anti-white, we are against anyone who is against us”
One example of Malcolm X using vivid imagery and powerful language can be seen in his famous “Ballot or the Bullet” speech from 1964. In this speech, he used the metaphor of the ballot to achieve change through the political system, or the bullet to achieve change through violent revolution. Stating “we are not anti-white, we are against anyone who is against us…we’re not a bunch of cowards. We’re not a bunch of Uncle Toms. We’re not a bunch of people who are going to sit around and wait for white people to give us something.”
You can hear his passion and anger at the situation even in this written word, and it’s inspiring. It causes me to want to bring change to places I see need changing. This is the power of constructive anger.
I have a significant amount of anger. The government stole my brother, and I’s childhood. They stole my father's and mother’s life. They took our ability to make ends meet, and they did this just to secure a job for themselves. That infuriates me. “Ballot or Bullet” sum up my feelings pretty well.
But I’ve made peace with those horrible people. I hope they are well. I truly do. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that happen to more kids and families and innocent people. Of which could be me, my kid, your kid, your mom, your uncle that’s super fun but definitely drinks too much. Wrongful convictions can happen if the status quo continues. Go here if you want to read more about the Documentary I’m working on.
Historic negative anger
I’m just gonna list as many come to my brain. Ready?
The Holocaust
Rwandan Genocide
The Crusades
Salem Witch Trials
Slavery (everywhere across the board. I’m looking at you UAE)
The Spanish conquest of the Americas
Klu Klux Klan
The Spanish Inquisition
The British colonization of India
The British colonization of pretty much any country back in the day
The Armenian Genocide
The Trail of Tears (different yet oddly similar to Spanish Conquest)
The Atomic Bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
The Spanish Inquisition
Apartheid
The Trail of Blood (nothing quite like church folks duking it out)
The internment of Japanese Americans during World War II
It’s difficult to estimate the total number of lives lost in these conflicts combined, as the numbers vary widely depending on the specific event and the source of the information. However, the total number of deaths is in the tens of millions, if not more. The Holocaust alone resulted in the deaths of about 6 million Jews, while the Rwandan Genocide claimed the lives of roughly 800,000 people. The Transatlantic Slave Trade, which was fueled by the colonization of various countries and the Atlantic slave trade, resulted in the death and forced migration of about 12.5 million people. When you add in the other events on the list, it’s clear that the total number of deaths is substantial and represents a tragic loss of life. Anger is capable of death, malice, and destruction of the human spirit.
Root of anger
If unchecked, anger can do some pretty nasty stuff. BUT that doesn’t mean anger is bad. I feel like a cigarette salesman. “no no, no, listen. While smoking is indeed bad for you, nicotine helps with cognitive function and improved memory…”
Anger is a natural and normal human emotion that can arise in response to a wide range of situations, like feeling threatened or attacked, feeling frustrated or powerless, or feeling hurt or betrayed. It is important to identify the root cause of anger, cuz that can help us better understand our emotions and react in a more constructive way. Instead of cutting people’s heads off. Metaphorically (hopefully).
One way to identify the root cause of anger is to ask yourself a series of questions. Tell you what, let’s make this super cheesy and memorable. All you have to do is remember ANGER
Anxious - Am I feeling ANXIOUS or stressed? (probably)
Needs - What core NEEDS or values do I believe are being threatened by this situation?
Gentle - How can I GENTLY address those needs in a way that is productive and non-confrontational?
Experience - What past EXPERIENCE or trauma might be influencing my reaction?
Reflect - Can this anger be used for positive change?
Overall, understanding the root cause of anger is crucial for managing emotions in a healthy and constructive way. By exploring the questions that help identify the root cause and reflecting on personal experiences, we can all gain greater insight into our emotions and react more positively to challenging situations.
Let’s cope with anger
Anger can become a problem when it is intense, frequent, or inappropriate. Like getting angry at a river for getting you wet. That’s just inappropriate. When I’m experience anger that isn’t deserving of action, such as being annoyed by a minor inconvenience (“water got me wet”) or feeling frustrated with a situation that is out of your control (I sure hope these black parents think I’m cool), there are several techniques I use to help. These first two are ones that I use the moment of fire is coming out of my ears and the others are ways I help manage my anger and have fewer eruptions. You gotta play the long game here.
Take a break and breathe I am a huge fan of science and using science to help “hack” (I hate that term) our body and mind. Breathing is simple. You kind of do it without thinking about it. When you feel that range building inside, take a full inhale and, just when you feel you have enough air, breathe in even more. This will fully oxygenate your mind and slowly bring your heart rate down as you exhale. Do this 2-3 times and you’ll notice improved happiness. Crazy, but it works. Also, focus on your breath as you inhale and exhale. This can help slow down your heart rate and help you feel more relaxed. (see meditation two paragraphs down)
Engage in physical activity Tim Ferriss always says, ‘get out of your head and into your body.’ I love this one. Often leads to me playing, dancing (No one can angry dance but if YOU can please tag me in the video), exercising, going for a walk, jog, or run, or doing some other form of movement can help you calm down and feel more in control of your emotions. It also tends to get you away from the thing that’s bothering you.
(hint) these are small tiny little things you can control. That brings you comfort and helps you regulate yourself. Anger is often, for me, lack of control.
Practice mindfulness meditation Mindfulness meditation involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judging them. It can help you develop a greater awareness of your emotions and help you manage them more effectively. To be honest, when someone told me about meditation, I thought sitting and trying to just be with my thoughts sounded like an absolute nightmare. And it was. I hated it. I still hate it. But damnit all to hell if it doesn’t routinely help me with my issues. Like every day.
Write in a journal I do Morning Pages (nearly) every day. It’s stream of consciousness writing for about 15-20mins or 3 pages worth, whichever comes first. This is a safe place where you can let all your hateful words fly. You can say all the stuff you’re too afraid to say out loud. It’s a place for complaining like a child and throwing fits. It’s a place that you can get out the monkey mind. Also, writing your thoughts and feelings can help you gain insight into what triggers your anger and how you can manage it more effectively. Taking a step back always calms me down. You can also use your journal to track your progress and identify patterns in your emotions.
Verbally Process I love talking to people. I love talking about things and at things and through things. Talking is really beneficial to me. Writing is kind of like talking, at least the way I stumble my way through the process. Find people that will listen to you and share your burdens. It’s the most uncomfortable thing, but hot damn, does it do wonders when you feel supported and heard. Take a risk, as a friend to listen and be there for you and if they say no, well, maybe they weren’t your friend to begin with. Unless you’re a needy little POS and in that case, no one wants to help you because you’ve used up all of your friendship capital. It’s a thing. In that case, I’d focus on being less self focused. Serve others for a change.
Using anger for positive change
Casey Neistat’s short film on bike lanes is a fun an example of using anger to make something great.
During his long imprisonment and struggle against apartheid in South Africa, Nelson Mandela experienced tremendous anger and frustration at the injustice he and his people faced. However, rather than simply reacting to these emotions at the moment, he used them to fuel his planning and actions towards a larger goal of dismantling the oppressive system of apartheid.
“Don’t let your anger control your reason but rather your reason control your anger.” - Nelson Mandela
Anger can be a powerful force for positive change if we can channel it productively. Rather than simply reacting to my anger at the moment, I’m calculating. My anger motivates me to plan and take action towards being a more compassionate and understanding father. My anger motivates me to create a movement to spur on change in the plea bargaining system.
Mandela’s quote is a call to action to not just survive in the face of adversity and injustice, but to plan and work towards a better future. By using our anger as a tool for positive change, we can transform our emotions from a source of frustration and pain into a catalyst for growth and progress. It’s gonna be a fun ride.